The D-group bible study I’m a part of is currently reading a book called, Bearing God’s Name, Why Saoni Still Matters. In the first week, one of the corresponding scripture readings was Exodus 14. As a read through it, I was struck by this section of the text:
10 As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. 11 They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”
13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
“Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the dessert to die?” I had to chuckle when I read this, because it sounded both over dramatic and yet completely relatable at the same time. While I’ve never been attacked by an Egyptian army or any army for that matter, I can totally understand the heart of where the Israelites were coming from. They were scared, confused and oh so human, just like we still are today. God had literally just freed them from slavery, but they quickly forgot the goodness of His mercy because the couldn’t see what was coming next.
Throughout our infertility journey I have felt similarly. Scared, confused and wondering what is next. While part of the infertility battle is physical, it’s the mental battle I struggle to win. I’m often consumed with my thoughts and emotions. I’m sure I have said a lot of dramatic things to the Lord and to my husband, sounding similar to the Israelites. Things like:
“Why would God give her another baby but not me?”
“Why doesn’t anyone understand what I am going through?”
“Why don’t they ask me how I am doing? Do they not care about me?”
“Am I a bad mom? Is God punishing me by not giving me another child?”
“I am the most selfish person for wanting another child when I already have one beautiful, miracle son when other families have none. I’m wrong to desire another baby.”
But God. God steps into the lies and says, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Chills. The last line always gives me chills and totally puts me in my place. I am an action, solution-based person. If there is a problem I want to fix it. Me. On my own. I don’t like to ask for help, I just want to take care of things myself. I’ll gladly help you with your problems, put me in and let me help you fight, but I’ve got my own battles just fine. No. This is control, or a false sense of control anyway. The Lord says to be still. To surrender. I’m continually learning when it comes to stillness. My mind goes 100 miles a minute. Always thinking, planning and preparing and even self-loathing.
Not only does God want me to be still, but he also deserves the glory. His power, not mine. His saving, not mine. His plans, not mine. So, I’m learning to turn my battles over to Him and trust Him daily. I am learning not to compare my story to others, and enjoy the unique journey God has placed us on.
He will fight for me, I just need to rest in Him and be still.