Surrender

I’m struggling to compose my thoughts into words for this post, yet I feel it’s time to give an update to our embryo adoption story. After taking some time to pray and heal from our first transfer in November, Clayton and I have decided to try one more transfer. Although we have peace that we are supposed to try again, this time our planning has felt a lot different. Fully knowing the emotional and physical toll this process can have on my body and choosing to walk through this again is difficult. Definitely harder than the first time.

We have spent the past 3 months preparing for our second attempt. This meant more medical testing and physical clearance on my end, choosing more embryos, financial planning and renewing our home study. Thankfully these steps went fairly well and are complete now. We are planning and preparing for our transfer in the coming months.

I think the reason I’m struggling to write all of this is because the past few months have been very emotionally draining for me. The counselor in me suspects that I am still dealing with the grief of the babies we lost. Also, probably some PTSD too as we walk through the process again and from the overall effects of 4 plus years of secondary infertility. I know people often talk about the difficulties of infertility, thankfully people are sharing more and more. It’s one of those things in life you might not fully understand unless you are faced with it personally. In an attempt to share some of my struggle, here’s an excerpt from my prayer journal two months ago.

“No one knows what to say to me.

No one can give me any advice.

People just feel sorry for me.

No one cares or thinks about it as much as I do.

I’m exhausted.

I’m frustrated.

I’m confused.

I feel invisible and alone.

I act strong, but on the inside I’m drowning.

Am I depressed? Is this PTSD?

Should I give up?

Should I keep fighting, pushing forward?”

I don’t share this for sympathy or attention, but simply to be transparent with the raw pain so many face when dealing with infertility. It’s yet again, a good reminder to be kind to others and sensitive to the fact that you might not know the hardship someone is walking through. Waiting and uncertainty come in many different forms and they are all hard to endure.

Thankfully despite the heaviness, I know I’m not alone. God is my rock and my fortress (Psalm 18:1-3). I also have a great support system in Clayton, our family and friends. We are blessed to have some amazing prayer warriors in our corner.

I’ve also found strength in returning to our original reason for choosing this path to grow our family. These tiny, frozen babies are waiting for a chance at life. They are the smallest image bearers of Christ and represent the most fragile state of life. This is bigger than our desire for a baby. It’s bigger than wanting to give Clark a sibling. It’s about protecting and honoring the unborn.

Recently, on the Bible Recap (which I highly recommend!!!) the host, Tara Leigh said, “Prolonged trials will always lead to despair and sin if we fail to trust God.” Those words remind me that I can choose to sit the fear of the unknowns, or I can choose to trust God. While we don’t know if another transfer will result in a baby, we do know God is faithful no matter what the outcome. He is our strength. My word of the year is surrender. And that is truly what this process has been for me. Surrender. I’m continually laying this at his feet. We will faithfully keep taking steps down the road He’s called us to and surrender the results to Him. We aren’t promised the outcome we desire simply because of obedience, but we are promised that God will go with us through it all.